My Moby Dick
Have I updated on my mom lately? Well, I think I can do it in just a few brief words:
She mailed us her xmas presents to us this year.
$6 to send a package 3 miles.
She hasn’t called since a couple of weeks ago when she was fishing around to see if I’d let her babysit Nico. When I responded that I hadn’t really thought about it, she said “You’re never going to let me babysit again, are you?” Followed by hang-up #4,884
I will never figure out the logic behind acting incredibly disrespectful and MEAN to the person you’re trying to “get something” out of. How is yelling and hanging up going to make me WANT to leave my child with her, let alone spend time with her? She just doesn’t operate on the same planet as me at all, she’s obviously coming from a very limited perspective. One that tells her that if she acts mean (aka:hurt), if she’s rude (aka: hurt), if she’s manipulative (aka: hurt) I’m going to respond favorably to her position. It makes me sad and sick all at the same time.
As you all know, I’m haunted by my relationship with my mom. She’s screwed me up so bad that even though she treats me like dirt, I STILL crave a relationship with her. I would love more than anything to have my sweet and loving mommy in my life. It’s only been recently that I’ve made a strong, rather successful effort at not letting her walk on my neck. But I’m still plagued. Someone, was it you?, once wrote something along the lines of “you can’t argue with ghosts”; one day, I’ll be ruminating over some sad and hurtful moment and realize that she’s gone. I hate that we can’t just enjoy each other, and I miss my mommy so much already.
Earlier today I’d sent her a card inviting her to come to our place on xmas day. I don’t know if that will sway her one way or the other. Maybe xmas by mail is the best thing to happen to our little holiday.
she’s in therapy still, right? never been a huge fan, but maybe it’ll help.
too bad the therapist only gets one side, and that side probably airbrushes out facts like hanging up in a rage.
No, that didn’t last very long. She hasn’t gone in a really long time. She still does the church thing though; I’d thought that that was helping…
I am here to tell you it gets better. Keep holding the line. There’s a learning curve. It took me about 3 years to get somewhere with my mom, but I have. I still have to be firm. Always will. But eventually even the most stubborn of boundary transgressors can learn to behave. It’s really a reversal of roles. You are the parent, and you have to be consistent. Exhausting, but you can forge a new, healthy relationship with your mother, and it’s worth the effort. At least it’s been worth the effort for me. And enjoy the gifts guilt-free. Nothing works better than her seeing that you’re not feeling guilty.
Hmmm…I should add that the change occurred in me, and she’s learning not to continually try to do the same thing and expect different results. She stops herself now, and I have to walk away less and less. She’ll always be who she is, but I no longer play my assigned role, and she’s learning to accept that, and that makes all the difference. I hope that makes sense and gives you hope!